By Guest Blogger, Adrienne Mosse
So there I was lying in my crib, a newborn in the hospital, just hangin’ out with the other newborns in the nursery, and something just didn’t feel right. I knew I was different from all the others, but I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was… Okay, I didn’t quite know THAT young, but I may as well have.
I was never really “on the fence” about being gay, but I was on the fence about what to do with that information, and how to deal with it. It was pretty easy to ignore for the first 13 or 14 years of my life. I was just the little girl wearing the brown sweater and slacks (as we called them back then) in the class pictures, when all the other girls were in their dresses and party shoes.
As I got older, it became a bit more difficult to ignore the fact that I wasn’t all that interested in the same things my friends were interested in, namely; boys, make-up, hair and those sun reflectors everyone used back in the 80s.
They were off doing the things that all teenaged girls do, whispering about this cute guy and that weird one, while I was off on the sidelines wondering, “Will I have to marry a man, get pregnant, have babies and live a total lie?” I thought, “How am I going to exist in this world?” The operative word here being, exist. That was what my life was until my early twenties…I simply existed. I did not live, I did not experience. I existed. And I was pretty certain that I would just do that forever.
When I was growing up in the 80s, and even through the nineties, the only visible role models that I had as a gay woman, were suicidal characters and the occasional serial killer in movies. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up blowing up my neighbors’ houses! But, there was no Will and Grace, no L Word and certainly no Kevin and Scotty trying to find a surrogate mother and egg donor for their soon-to-be baby on “Brothers and Sisters.” You may take these characters and television shows for granted, perhaps not even choose to tune in, but at least they are represented in popular culture today. It was not too long ago that the famous kiss on Rosanne was a hot topic for days, even weeks. Today, no one would even think twice about it.
There is a reason why the Ellen coming out episode was so important. When that episode aired, it was like the Superbowl for Gay people! No joke! There were chips, dips, pizzas being ordered and nachos being served up at parties all over waiting to hear Ellen say “I’m Gay” to Laura Dern over the loud speaker at the airport. I myself got a little teary eyed when she did.
Once I made the decision to actually live instead of simply exist, I experienced nothing but love and support from my parents, sister, close friends and my extended family. I was finally able to exhale and enjoy my life. It was still an uphill battle trying to create a new identity in society, but it was an experience that I would not change for anything in the world.
It is going on about 18 years since I made the decision to live my life on my own terms. To live my truth. I have a wonderful partner of 8 years. We run our own business together and have three fantastic kids who are the absolute loves of our lives. If you would have shown me a crystal ball back in that nursery and told me that this would be my life, I would never have believed it. I am truly a lucky, lucky person and I am grateful for everything, everyday.
Adrienne Mosse
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Ladies, tell our readers, have you experienced anything similar to Adrienne? Are you sitting on the fence with your sexuality?
Adrienne… You are the best!! I knew that summer at camp back in the early 80’s when you used to follow me around that you had the hots for me!!! lol..
Happy we are friends,, happy that our kids will be friends and am happy of course that we can live our lives openly as gay women and that hopefully when our kids start elementary school, that their peers and the parents of their peers will be more open and tolerant towards our families and accept us and treat us with respect.
Unfortunately I am still in the closet. Unlike you my parents would be destroyed if they knew I was gay. They are god fearing catholics and this would kill them. I am just not ready to make the announcement yet. I hope I get the courage one day. It’s not easy living a lie to your family.
Adrienne, I want to thank you for sharing your story in such a heartfelt and honest way. I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I am so glad that you are “living” now, and not simply existing. How difficult that must have been. I hope there are lots of women out there reading this who become inspired to live their truth as well. Kudos to you!
Erica Diamond
Love you, Ady!! xo
Ady, we have been friends since we were little. Watched you go through it. I am so proud of you. Congrats on a heartfelt, well written piece. Hope you are an inspiration to others.
To: IN THE CLOSET: I hope that you are able to at least come out to your friends and that you belong to a gay group so that you have some sort of support. You would be surprised how parents “know” things about their kids even though they may not show it. I just kept on dropping hints about my new friends and their sexual orientation until one day my brother just asked me about myself and I replied “YES.” and they said we love you.. now go see a therapist… hahahha Never got to therapy and there is love all around..
Good luck and be strong…
IN THE CLOSET: I hope you get the courage to live your life on your terms one day soon. it is so much more frightening living a lie than it is to actually “Make the announcement” Good luck making that decision and i hope you will be pleasantly surprised by your loved one’s reactions. Shari ann offered some good advice; try telling some friends first and build up your support system.