So yesterday, I held myself accountable to my ONE New Year’s resolution – which was to become more domesticated. Please refrain from laughter. While you might already be Miss Martha Stewart in action, I am not. After doing my first-ever “Brazilian Body” class at the gym, I felt motivated. So I walked into the grocery store across the street and decided I was going to make my own green juice! You know, cuz it looks idiot-proof. And why should I keep buying juices when I can make my own? How hard can it be to throw 5 veggies in a juicer? I found a recipe online from a reliable source, and I was ready to go.

Things were looking promising. Kale, parsley, lime, apples, cucumbers. The “healthy complexion” juice.

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I followed the recipe to a T. So when the recipe called for a 1/2 lime, I threw in a 1/2 lime, skin and all. I figured, had the recipe called for the JUICE of 1/2 a lime, I would have added just the juice of 1/2 lime.

Well, what I got was a thick, vile, potato-like puree.

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And I gagged.

And it might be a long time before I juice again, unless you can kindly send your best juicing links below with CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS. And any juicing tips you have.

I have to give a shoutout to all the supportive peeps on Instagram who encouraged me to press forward, and not give up on my juicing dreams. Thank you also to Gloria Fallon, equally funny sister of Jimmy Fallon who weighed in on my “GreenPotatoJuicePuree” blunder– when after I finally admitted that I DIDN’T in fact use a juicer, but used my Cuisinart blender on my counter instead, made the distinction for me…


Well friends, I am not on the fence: I don’t think I should quit my day job.

I’m officially undomesticated.