Our Man On The Fence has chosen his topic, and is here to talk to us from a male perspective.
Here he is, our very own Guest Blogger, Man On The Fence.
Far too often, a man’s need for sex is not met. By this I mean, most married men, or men who are dating will willingly tell you, they’re not getting enough sex. Either their wife or girlfriend is too tired, has her period or simply doesn’t need sex as often as we males do. For the average man, sex is more of a physiological and basic need than a pure drive for sex.
The physical need to release is apparent in so many ways. Sex for a man releases tension, allows him to rid himself of pent-up stimulants that are aching to be gone out of his body. When a man can “get off,” the charged muscles in his whole body empty out and get ready to accept refilling, waiting in anticipation for the next time. It is easy to assume your partner only wants you for sex, but in fact it is a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking. No joke.
The expression of “blue balls” is not simply a reference of being deprived of sex. It is the culmination of days, weeks or months of not being able achieve release and rid oneself of this suffocating and aching feeling. Ladies, how would you like this? Didn’t think so… we don’t enjoy it much either. 🙂
A woman’s apathy towards the seriousness of this issue is troubling for me and many men. Far too often I hear friends who tell me their partner told them “I have five minutes, get it over with.” This attitude, this lack of compassion and understanding make for a very unfulfilling experience. I have heard of women doing their nails during sex! Just like you needs the cuddles and the stroking (in every sense of the word), we need it too. We don’t always want the “Wam bam thank you ma’m.” Because sex and “making love” are two entirely different things.
So probably the most important thing for women to take from this post is– sex is sex. It’s just that. Making love is an entirely different thing. It is vital and critical that the effort be made to share an environment where that sacred act can be completely enjoyed. Starving one’s mate of sex or love can wreak endless havoc on a relationship. It is immoral, it is unethical, particularly if you are seeking a monogamous relationship. Sex shouldn’t be used as a bonus system for good behavior, it should be used as a critical tool of success that is shared equally in a relationship. If your partner needs it more than you, hop on the saddle and make it happen! Only good things can come of this!
Timing is also everything. Great sex at night often leads to a relaxing and restful sleep. The AMs tends to be a well positioned time to limit sex or worse, rush it. If you do prefer AMs, as many women do, then wake up earlier! It’s a great way to start your day. And in the words of a great lady I know, “Besides drinking 8 glasses of water a day, there’s nothing as great for your skin as good sex!”
Lastly, for those of you who got married and sometimes feel as if you’re looking at a partner who looks like a different person now, try recreating that moment when you knew your partner was on fire aching to rip your panties off.
So what are you waiting for? Get off the fence and surprise your man (or woman) tonight!
Man On The Fence
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Ladies, what do you think about sex and marriage, and this “physiological” need to “get off?” Do you feel fulfilled sex-wise in your relationship?
xoxEDxox
Just read this to my husband. We were just married in September, he said well we dont have that problem yet. Plus since he is a truck driver he is only home on weekends so we make the most of that time. LOL This blog post made us both laugh with complete understanding and humor. Great post.
Teresa and Don
What men need to start realizing is that most woman enjoy sex as much as they do. The reason your wife or girlfriend may not like it as often as you…she’s not being fulfilled during sex. Everyone is very quick to just turn around and say that their wife/gf is withholding, being a bitch, giving them blue balls, blah blah blah, but sit back for a minute and think about why on earth the person who chooses to be with you (chooses being the operative word) would not want to always be in bed with you (or the couch, or the table, we don’t judge!), it’s usually because she is not getting what she needs out of the romp in the sack. It’s a two way street boys, the sooner you realize that the more trips down the road you’ll get to make.
Love the comments ladies! Keep ’em coming!
I am happy to say I never had the issue of not fullfilling my obligations to my wife. Moreover, I know of many contemporaries who’s wives love them, but simply don’t feel sex is neccesary to ensure a healthy relationship. With an attitude like LM, the vicious circle continues!!! You got it all wrong. Make the effort, help reduce the tension, understand it’s not obligation for reward, it’s a mutually satisfying pleasure. I think you should have more sex!!!
Hi Erica, Found your site via another blog and have enjoyed the posts I’ve read so far. I must say, I thought it took some gall for a man to contact you and tell you that you needed a male perspective (i.e. his) on your website. I wonder if women do this on male written blogs?
Have read the “male perspective” posts and they are just that – one man’s perspective given with what I feel is a slightly preachy tone.
I wonder what non-married and single men do to release tension? This man says that men don’t want women “just for sex” and in the same sentence – without saying anything about a man’s desire to be intimate with his girlfriend or wife – says that it is “a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking.” Doesn’t that sound like a selfish perspective? I’ll take him at his word “sex is just sex” and assume he means everyone should just have sex more often.
It would be nice to see a male perspective on non-cliche topics – like “how do men define intimacy in relationships” and I’m curious as to how men decide who to be with for long-term relationships. How do they feel about children and keeping house while working?
Women already have plenty of other women telling us not to blame our moods on our periods/PMS and women’s magazines/Oprah/everyone have exhorted married women not to deprive their husbands of sex.
Its the same old story! Men want one thing and women want something else! The way to both be fulfilled is to care and show love and interest the WHOLE time not just when sex is wanted!! If Im shown love, support and interest I’ll give sex when ever he makes me feel sexy and wanted! And making love? Well happy to do that anytime!! So its a simple receipe….just that some men only see their needs and not there partners! Too lazy, too tired, too bored to make the effort! And if he cant why the heck should we?
“I wonder what non-married and single men do to release tension? This man says that men don’t want women “just for sex” and in the same sentence – without saying anything about a man’s desire to be intimate with his girlfriend or wife – says that it is “a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking.” Doesn’t that sound like a selfish perspective?”
Yes.
Exactly
what men don’t understand is that when their wife tells them they are tired they should do something to releive her of he workload like taking care of kids, setting the bed, washing dishes but instead they behave like a big kid themselves, sitting on the sofa the whole day while the wife runs the whole day and then run off to other woman saying their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them.
this is purely selfish thing to do. even women enjoy sex as men do even more thhan them Men should take up their sides of responsibilities before making comments on their wife.
The writer says: “ A woman’s apathy towards the seriousness of this issue is troubling for me and many men. Far too often I hear friends who tell me their partner told them “I have five minutes, get it over with.” This attitude, this lack of compassion and understanding make for a very unfulfilling experience.” But he just said sex for men is mostly a physiological need, entirely different from making love, so if that is the case why wouldn’t a woman be apathetic?
Giving him five minutes to release himself sounds pretty compassionate to me. I will participate in making love, but if he just needs to release tension he can take care of that himself. Actually, I do understand he has a physiological need- not unlike needing to expell urine – and that is not a process I feel like I have to be involved in.
The situation is reversed. I’m older, mid 40’s, he’s 37. We’ve been together just under a year. We moved in maybe too early, but we are obviously, mutually in love. We’ve always had awesome sex, but his interest in ME is waning and now I am met with excuses and ANGER. I spoke up asking why we’re, almost overnight, not having sex. If I’m honest, the waning interest snuck up… first to go was oral sex, then night-time and day time sex. For months it’s been only morning sex like he rolls over with the woody, but it doesn’t start with him seeing and touching and … now the period sex, which he used to initiate, is disgusting and “no man likes rag sex”. I love sex, I’ve loved making love with him. It’s always felt so connected, but now it’s almost as if he were doing it even though he maybe didn’t really want to? I don’t know what to think, but it’s saddening, humiliating, embarrassing and confusing. He’s otherwise the PERFECT partner – I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend: tender, always affectionate, loving, protective. The other confusion is when he is hurt he retaliates with the silent treatment (which I got when I brought up my feelings about sex, but then followed by yelling and weird excuses). He doesn’t watch porn, he isn’t cheating, he obviously adores me. But daily great sex to disinterest and making sure that when we cuddle our crotches don’t touch? I need a mans perspective and he won’t give it to me.
I can really appreciate your views as they echo mine almost perfectly. My wife got pregnant about 5 minutes after we were married and out sex life has been on life support ever since. It comes and goes, but she is perfectly happy to go MONTHS without sex. We have been married for almost 18 years and I still hate it when my sexual tension has built up because I dread asking for sex. Nine times out of 10 there is one excuse or another. She has also worked out a system of letting me know that I should not even ask if she suspects I may. Just before we go to bed she may say something like, “I’m so tired tonight” and then proceed to watch TV for several hours before sleeping. All of her hints make it impossible to ask for sex without feeling like a completely insensitive jerk. She knows the buttons to push.
I have tried to explain how extended periods without sex physically affects me but she just doesn’t get it. I don’t feel like she even cares to understand. If I relate it to something she may understand, fine dining for example, she takes it wrong saying that I only think she is there for me to use.
I love my wife. She is a great mother and for the most part a good partner. I know I am not the perfect husband, far from it. I do however do everything in my power to meet her every want and need. I just wish that she loved me enough to care about my needs.
If possable make a extra marital affear and make sex with her leave wife from your sex life
My boyfriend of 2-1/2 yrs just left me, I think mostly because of sex. He would say that he doesn’t get what he wants and doesn’t get it enough. It sounds like I’ve been withholding sex from him. Actually, I’ve never withheld from him, he gets it 2-3 times every week. The problem we’ve come up against isn’t the frequency of sex, but what’s included in sex. He REQUIRES oral every time, as he says it is his foreplay. And if he doesn’t get it that way, he is disappointed and considers it a bad night of sex even though he got to orgasm. It gets better…….. if he doesn’t get a complete, selfish BJ occasionally; eventually the frustration starts to grow in him. Needless to say, it’s been very difficult to please him. My question is…. wouldn’t most men love to have sex 2-3 times every week?
As I read another guy write once ” No matter how much sex a guy is getting, he will always want more, and his wife will almost always want less.” I think he is correct. Most guys in a relationship for a year or more would be very happy to be getting some form of sex two to three times a week. If he left you for the reasons you state here, count yourself luckythat he is gone. My advice for you is to save sex in the future for after the wedding. If he can show that he loves you enough to abstain from all sexual activity during the time he is dating you, then I believe you won’t have this problem again.
I agree. Thank you for your comment.
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Most people dont understand the biology if sex. Women try to justify lack of desire by saying they are tired. However can being exhausted really b the reason for not wanting sex? Ask that to a guy. In fact sex is relaxing and a good session can really remove fatigue. The real reason is hormonal. Women dont have as much testosterone as men! Thats it. Men need to understand that they will need to be firm about their needs and ask their partners to cooperate while offering women pleasure too. At the same time if women dont respond men will need to be men and muster guts to take things into their own hands. Tell your wife firmly that its not enough and tell her you will take things into your own hands. Masturbation is just one way. There are also other options.
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I’m sorry, the thought of having sex so my husband can release tension and rid himself of a suffocating and aching feeling doesn’t entice me to tear off my panties and make passionate love to him so he can think more clearly. Nor does it cause me to feel an ounce of empathy for the guy.
Perhaps he could go outside and dig holes for a while.
I’m 23…engaged to the father of my kids. Sex at this point completely and totally grosses me out. I have zero desire to hop in the bed and bump uglies….especially with this man. He has no clue how to seduce me. We have no meaningful conversations. Technology and TV has replaced everything in our lives. He thinks sex is just given that my panties are just supposed to get wet on their own…. we have been together about 4 years. I left him after my first child was born due to the incredible lack of compassion he had for me. He fought with me daily keeping me from sleep over sex…. he tells me that I’m hurting him by not having sex with him….well he’s hurting me when we have sex and I really don’t want to. He has even said it’s wrong for a woman to not have sex because she doesn’t want to. Our last encounter really has messed my mind up because I started getting uncomfortable and told him it was hurting and he kept going when I finally got stern and told him to stop and pushed him off of me he said that it was messed up that he didn’t get his. At that point I felt dirty and violated by him….as if I haven’t felt that way for a while…. and now I don’t want to have sex with him at all….
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My husband and I have been together 8 years and married 5. We have great sex. The best is that we learn about, connect with, and completely feel one another. One thing really helps. I don’t deny him sex. Headache? Backache? Cramps? I’ve found sex is pain relieving for me, so bring it on, Baby! In return he gives the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had in my life! Ladies….give it up! He’ll very much appreciate you for it! Guys…make sure she gets hers too. She’ll probably give it up more often.
As being married for almost 15 years now, I will definately try to use your tips, because sometimes I do feel that things start going south already.. 🙂
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Lol!!! How funny was this blog post? Women are no different. As he should already know, unless you’re a woman posing as a man.
SOOO sad that so many of you women are treating your husbands that way… I can understand if he’s a lazy lump on the couch. You should have chosen better and taken more time getting to know this man before delightfully running down the aisle. Sex really is an in-depth emotional need for men. I’m not discussing abusive guys here. That’s a whole different story. Good men who work hard and aim to please their wives, but still get excuses feel neglected and unloved. Women need intimacy before sex. TRY to give it up without making it a one way street. We women use twice as many words as men per day. Where do they express love that they can’t verbalize? That’s right- in the bedroom. You are his safe harbor. Men also feel more emotionally bonded to you after sex. Good conversation or cuddling or just caressing him afterward will help him feel at ease with you. I think that most women are extremely emotional and don’t even consider trying the logical approach to their relationships or trying something that doesn’t serve them first. I can imagine most the women here who had posted about how they don’t want sex are either single now or their husband is participating in an affair. I’d love to get a poll on that.
I’ve been married for 10 years and I’ll have to say that your tips sure helped a lot! Thank you!!!!