By Guest Blogger Shay Banks
You’ve done it.
I’ve done.
Every woman on the planet has done it.
We’re ashamed when we do it, but the alternative doesn’t look so bright either. I’m talking about settling. Namely, settling for a so-so romantic relationship.
It’s not bad per se, it’s just, you know that deep down you could do sooo much better.
The alternative to settling, of course, is going on more dates where you’ll have to laugh at not-so-funny jokes and rehash (again!) why you’re on the market.
The alternative to that is being single.
There you have it ladies– you can settle for a so-so relationship, you can go on countless dates, or you can be single. There’s no other choice.
Or is there?
No matter how accomplished a she becomes, no matter how many lives she saves, at the end of the day, a woman is more likely to judge her success in life based on two things: her weight and her love life. If either of them is off kilter, she could win the biggest awards and earn the highest salary in the company, but it won’t matter because she’s “failed” in the ways that “really count.”
To avoid that feeling of failure, she loses the weight and settles for the first guy that asks “Will you marry me?”
And even after the weight is lost and she’s tossed her bouquet in the air, there’s a part of her that wishes she’d waited. Not waited because she enjoyed being single, but waited because she knows she deserves more than what she settled for.
The thing with settling, is that it doesn’t steal your soul in one fatal swoop. Instead, like a water bottle with a tiny pin prick, it leaks out your vibrant spirit over time (which is why so many women can stay in settled relationships for years before doing anything about it.) There’s pain, yes, but it’s tolerable.
Thankfully, there’s another way.
The Root of Settling
Settling in and of itself isn’t fear. It’s actually a form of escapism. It’s a cry out for acceptance and normalcy (whatever that is).
What if we changed our perspective? What if instead of “settling,” we dug up the fear behind it. Remember settling is relatively easy; it’s what it does to your soul that makes it so painful.
- We settle because we’re tired of people asking “where’s your date/man?” upon entering parties.
- We settle because having someone is better than feeling flawed because at your age you’re still single.
- We settle because we’re just ready to stop this whole dating thing, already!
The mind is a tricky and powerful tool. Left to its own devices, it will make you believe every fear you actually think. So here are some ways to overcome the rock and hard place that is known as ‘settling for a so-so relationship‘ or remaining single:
1. Ask yourself “Does this choice make my heart smile?”
If a guy makes your heart smile and feeds your soul, are you truly settling? And if you find yourself single and happy, is that settling? Do you know what truly makes you leap out of bed with joy? If you don’t, then how are you able to attract a man that’s able to give you the type of joy your heart needs?
2. Ask yourself “What 3 traits must I absolutely have in a partner?”
Having too many “requirements” in a potential partner can keep you single forever. Having 3 essential must-haves gives the Universe a little wiggle room to add traits that you hadn’t known you wanted or needed. Knowing these 3 traits will calm your nerves and actually help you find a partner that’s right for you a lot quicker.
3. Ask yourself “Do I really believe I deserve the best love experience?”
Initially every woman’s answer is “YES!” But do your daily words and actions reflect that? I know my own actions and words don’t always reflect that enthusiastic “yes” either.
Do you say things like “I’m such a catch. Any guy would be lucky to have me!” and then almost in the same breath say “That guy won’t want me because my stomach’s not flat.”
In order to have the love life you desire, your self-talk has to demonstrate that you believe you deserve to have it. It takes conscious practice every day, but after a while, it becomes a love magnetizing habit.
To overcome the urge to settle for a so-so relationship, first it’s important to get to the root of why you feel the need to settle. Once the root is dismantled, you my dear, are well on your way to attracting rockin’ relationship!
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Tell us, have you ever settled in a relationship? What was that like and when did you know you had to bail? Are you actually with Mr. Good Enough right now? What is YOUR advice on settling down with the man of your dreams? Share with our community.
xoxEDxox
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About Shay Banks
Shay Banks is a Dating and Relationship Specialist who helps women fall in love with themselves so that they can attract a man that will do the same. Join her 10 Day Love Magnet Challenge to jumpstart a satisfying journey to finding your unique Mr. Right. Check out her blog for more articles and tips on how to make your love life smokin’ hot.
I was once in a relationship many years ago where I knew I had settled. I stayed too long but eventually left and suddenly felt a ton of bricks removed from my shoulders. No woman should settle ever.
YES! It’s such a relief. There’s a lot of unspoken pressure in a “settled” relationship. You have to keep up appearances that you’re happy, but really, you’re not. Thank you for sharing, Anne.
So true!!!! Sometimes you feel that this is the best you can do and settle for way less than you want simply because you are afraid of never getting married! I recently ended a 25 year relationship because I think I have always known I just settled ,thought it was the best I could do, and lacked self confidence to leave the relationship. Ultimately, you will never be happy if you settle for anything less than extraordinary! If you don’t think you are worth it no one else will.
YES! Lacking self-confidence is one of the top influencers to settling. At least you realized what you’d done and made a decision that supports who you are now. 🙂
We must raise our children to have good self esteem so that they themselves know how to get out of a bad relationship. In my opinion settling is all about not thinking that you’re worth more. Great post.
yes! yes! yes! This is why I’m working with a girls group in my area. It’s *imperative* we start young. Think of how much we limit our girls at such an early age. It’s sad! They need to know how special they are very early on, so that settling doesn’t even enter their mind! Thank you for your comment, Patty.
Hi! Yes, I know sometimes women settle because they are afraid to be alone. But, when it is all said and done, they find themselves alone anyway. Great Article- I have a lot of Aha moments!!
I’m so happy you had aha moments. 🙂 *hugs* Thank you for sharing.
I will be single the rest of my life (and happy!) before I will ever “settle” again. Been there, done that, and won’t ever do it again. I’d rather be alone and single and happy than alone and married and miserable!
A-frickin’-MEN! lol 🙂
I am guilty of settling. I have been with a man friend for one year and basically our relationship is just a booty call. I feel like I can’t do any better with men. I really wish I could find a guy who would be willing to be my close friend; we confide in each other and respect one another. It just hurts being alone…
Hi San,
Well…it’s certainly possible to be single and not be in pain. In your situation it seems like it’s painful anyway. You can email me and we can discuss things a little further. *hugs*
Yes, sometimes people find someone, settle and marry them.
But it is also common for someone to look back during a period of unhappiness and use that as their excuse and interpretation…
I must have just settled.
He wasn’t really what I wanted anyway.
He didn’t fulfill my X, Y and Z requirements.
We see what we feel.
When times are good we see beaty, when they are difficult we see hardship or misery.
Hey Rollercosterider,
You’re right. Sometimes our present state clouds our judgment. However, sometimes (actually, a lot more often that we may think) women enter relationships that are never happy and has no beauty from the beginning. It’s just a way for them to pass the time or avoid being single. It’s all about getting clear about what you want and only going for those circumstances that support that vision. 🙂 *hugs*
Well I haven’t settled down yet but I’m at the point in my life where i do NOT think i will EVER find that Mr. Right!! though im27 and still looking i just hope that my time is coming soon, my friends all tell me that I’m to good of a person for me not to have some one special in my life but golly how many times do i have to hear that or get hurt in order for him to find me!! I’m ready to settle down and start a family dangit hah
Hi Miss Lene,
It’s a flip of the mind. If you tell yourself you won’t ever find Mr Right, you won’t. I know…it seems strange. Sometimes, our mouths and our mindsets are our worst enemies! I appreciate your honesty though. Definitely visit my site shaybanks.com or send me an email and we can talk further.
I was a settler! For 7 years I was with a wonderful man but aware I had settled from start. Now I´m 27 and single and dead scared I will settle again and instead trade down. At least before I lived with my best friend. So im dedicated to be modern! Life is different now! Let´s say I never meet mr Perfect? So what! I focus on living my life and develop as a person on my own, not through anyone else! If I was going to settle, I can go out tonight and find a man to settle with! So whats the hurry?
I recognize the pattern in the article in myself and I refuse to be a settler anymore! Even if it means I´ll regret my decision and be alone. Hence, in worst case scenario I could always settle again;)
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s hard sometimes for us to see our own habits reflected back at us. The fact that you acknowledge it and have decided to never do it again is AWESOME! Kudos to you, girlie! 🙂
I have definitely settled! And it really had a negative affect on my life too =( Aside from how it threw my life for a bad turn, I am also aware that when we settle, we are in essence lying to the other person and holding them back from relationship-happiness as well. The further we go in these relationships, the further we solidify the other person’s feelings for us, falsely validating them… And for me, while I discoverd I had fears having to with a boyfriend who died years ago and then losing another great relationship that ended because we both had to move and literally lost contact, I think most of us do this “settling” thing because we have not fully defined who we are. And I think that that issue is worse for women than men because we are taught to be independent, all the while, we’re still overly-influenced with media hype telling what to wear, what size our bodies should be, how to “catch a man”, that our place is still in the kitchen along with house-chores and children, and that sex sex sex should be as free as men seem to want, though our own brain chemistry is proof we cannot truly handle that… I applaud you for working with women, and hopefully young girls, to help them discover that equality is about cherishing who we are, and in that effort, it is time that we allow ourselves to discover that instead of allowing the world to define it for us =) Here is to being single and trusting in my own cosmic karma!
I broke up with a wonderful man in November because I fell in love with someone else who was of course, emotionally unavailable. I’ve seen my ex twice since breaking up with him and I know I made the right decision because, well, I don’t love him anymore at all. But at 28, I’m annoyed and frightened that several of my girlfriends are on marriage #2 and I haven’t had a hot date since Janurary. While I don’t want to settle, I truly don’t want to be alone either. I am that woman with the great career and of reasonable weight but I find myself gauging my worth by who’s on my arm. I can’t wait to get out of this mindset…
Great post! I think in the perfect world, you wouldn’t have to settle. The reality is very different though. There are some things you will simply have to settle for and no matter how wonderful a relationship is, your partner will not always make your heart smile.
I’m 34, my fiance is not the perfect man I always thought I’d end up with, but to be honest, my priorities have shifted. At this point, I’m looking for a decent man that I can have a family with. Sure I don’t feel butterflies when I’m with him but at the end of the day, I want a family and waiting around so that I don’t feel like I’m settling means that I’ll be losing the option to have kids with every passing year and that’s not worth it for me.
I think it may be a bit dangerous to say that no woman should ever settle. At some point, we all realize that we have to settle for some things in life and once we accept that, it doesn’t feel like settling anymore.
My name is linda Alexis. My ex boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago because we were fighting all the time. he was always nagging, I wanted him back and I was wondering how do that, so i told my friend what happened between my boyfriend after some days he asked me to contact [email protected], i emailed [email protected] and after 3 days my lover reconciled with me
I agree, and can think of two more factors that go into settling: 1) Length of time between dates and 2) The guys that you really wanted never wanted to marry you. With number 1, as we get older, there are fewer single guys, so finding a guy who is single, within the right age range, and who is actually interested in dating you takes time. Where you might be single only one or two months at a time in your early 20’s before “meeting someone”, the time spent single in your mate 20’s/early 30’s is more substantial. You might go a year or more without a single date! When someone “decent” comes along (you know, the guy with average looks, mediocre job, pleasant-but-not-fantastic personality) you say yes, because what if it is another year before someone else asks, this time, someone even lesser? With number 2, yes, you’ve dated better, but the successful, nice-looking guys with great personalities didn’t want to marry you. You’ve “improved” yourself as much as you honestly can, so you know that you are going to have to lower your standards to finally get a ring. Hate to break it to all those mediocre guys out there- she didn’t fall for you, she settled for you.
Interesting, there’s actually a well known publisher that was featured on a the TODAY show a couple of times that has a book called, “Is it okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough.”
The FINE line between compromising and settling. Author is Laura Gottlieb, Shay….what are your views on her articles. Not sure if you’ve seen it already.
I personally think that some people have unrealistic standards/expectations that are keeping them single beyond their 30’s or even into their 40’s. That perhaps they shouldn’t have a strict height criteria, or limiting themselves to blondes only.
Makes sense, right?
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