Closed On Open Marriage

So, truth is,  I have been on the lookout for a woman, who exists in my head, who would be in a loving, committed and happy marriage, to her soul-mate, but who doesn’t have exclusive sex with her husband. And he’s cool with it. And he does it too. I figured, there has to be a “normal” woman somewhere in the world, who could live in the ‘burbs, pretty house with the picket fence, the kids, but has sex outside the marriage and doesn’t get in trouble! But, so far, no woman has come knocking on my door, so I wanted to share something I found.

open marriage

Well first, what is an open marriage by definition? Here it is out of the dictionary:

An Open Marriage is a marriage in which each partner is free to enter into extraneous sexual relationships without guilt or jealousy from the other

Alright. For some women I have spoken to on their opinions about open marriages, they seem to think it’s merely an excuse to cheat on your partner. But “cheating” implies deception. And, in a true open marriage, there is no deception. It really is two people who are committed to each other, who schtup on the side, and then return to the open arms of their loving partners.

Personally speaking, I could NEVER imagine it. I am fully off the fence here. While I do understand struggles in a marriage and the effort and upkeep to keep the spark alive, I cannot envision my husband coming home after a night of hot sex with another woman, and me asking him, ” So honey, how was the lay tonight? Was she as good as last week’s?” And despite the fact that I am not a germaphobe, the thought of my husband parking his penis in another woman’s garage grosses me out beyond comprehension.

So… our marriage is closed. That’s my final answer, and I’m stickin’ to it.

happy marriage

But, let me show you what I found on the web, cuz, I am curious. I’m gonna give you a few paragraphs to see for yourself. The Blogs is called Open Marriage Blog: Tagline: Husband and Wife have been happily married for several years. We also have lovers on the side. Everyone is interested how we do it. So we figured we’d blog about it.

Ok, you still with me? That’s the premise. The most recent Blog Post last week, was titled Open Divorce. So, while my research points to the fact that many marriages can sustain living in this open format, this marriage, while appearing to be solid for 19 years,  is ending in divorce. This is the husband’s voice. Go ahead and get a little voyeuristic…

Open Divorce

Wow. Well, it’s been nearly a year since “we” started this blog. I say “we” in quotes because Wife never did end up posting to it herself, only me. That was probably a sign right there.

So, to recap: together nearly 19 years now, married nearly 16, “open” pretty much that whole time, with a few years of “don’t ask, don’t tell” at the outset but quickly becoming a full-on open marriage. Until shortly after we started this blog. Then everything came unglued.

I don’t think the blog had much to do with it. But we’re moving into separate homes in the next two weeks and likely getting a divorce later this year. In our characteristically unorthodox approach, we’re determined to do our best to stay friends, but we’ll have to see how that works.

What went wrong? Hard to say. Objectively, anyway. But since she’s never deigned to participated in this would-be joint blog project, I’ll give you my side of the story, in summary.

I don’t mean to condemn open relationships as a lifestyle. We started this blog with every intension to be boosters for the idea. But in 20-20 hindsight, my conclusion, after months of therapy among other reflections, is that the open relationship in our case was a way to bandaid over a gap in our own relationship. To each his own, for sure — I should be the last to judge — but in my own life going forward, I’ve decided to give monogamy a try for a while.

The whole thing is still surreal. I read back to my original post here, just less than a year ago, on our wedding anniversary, where I claimed “we seem to be one of the happiest, most loving couples we know.” That’s certainly what we believed at the time. I also said in some subsequent posts that we weren’t in it only for the sex, but that we believe also in open love. Well, that turns out not to have been true for her.

I made some references along the way to a girlfriend I had at the time whom I dubbed “Free Spirit,” and went into a bit of detail about how my becoming increasingly infatuated with Free Spirit had led to some serious strife between me and Wife. As I later learned, after our 19 years together, she had a different view on the open love question; apparently she thought the freedom pretty much ended with the sex.

There’s more, but I won’t post all of it. But, what do you make of this? This guy sounds pretty intelligent. I have to say I’m intrigued. For me, love and marriage is such a sacred thing shared between two people. But his marriage lasted 19 years! That’s more than most marriages. Anyhow, it was a long post, but I’m sure you’re curious to see how it ends…. Here’s how.

Me? I’m gonna move to Williamsburg and lick my wounds for a while. Then hopefully I’m going to lick all sorts of body parts of several attractive young ladies. And hopefully find one who loves me more completely. And, I suspect, exclusively.

I liked being coupled. I suppose I’m the marrying kind. And next time around, I don’t intend to share. But that’s just me. Good luck to all the rest of you.

So, my goal for today was simply to show you another way. Who’s to say marriage should be between one man and one woman? With all the high demands placed on a wife, who’s to say marriages wouldn’t work out best with two wives serving the many demands of one man?  Just sayin’… Don’t shoot the messenger!!

So ladies tell us, do you think open marriages can survive? Are you in an open marriage? Can you shed some light, if you will? Feel free to post anonymously.

Have a great weekend ladies! Until next week,

  1. Well this made me laugh at myself. I remember when all the demands of mother, eldercare giver, career woman and wife came together at once, oh how I wished for a wife. I saw my position in my marriage as parralle to an agreement for female slavery. Probably a totally different subject.

    But I did hold fantasies of sharing all that responsibility with another woman even the burden as I saw it of trying to keep my husband happy in bed. My marriage ended in divorce as many of you know from my guest post on “Women on the Fence” last week.

    During that time, yes I was falling into mental illness so certifiable crazy maybe, I would have given anything to have the support and help of another woman in my life. I really put a lot of thought into it. To share my pain at the time and not have to pay someone (maid, home health care assistant, gardner, nanny) to share it with me.
    That never happened and you know the end of the story.

    I would have considered polygamy at the time to get some household help. But an open marriage where I do all the supporting and work while one more person has the fun of my life. I am afraid I would have shot her and I would be in prison for the homicide of my ex-husband and his other relationship. Why should I do all the work of trying to maintain a home for a man that is giving the fun of the relationship to someone else? That would have made me a true slave.

  2. Great Friday read. I too am curious about open marriages. Not that I would ever do it. I’m too paranoid to get an STD. But i think it could have its place in society. Look at the mormon community. They are polygamists, and swear by it’s good purpose.

  3. I have been married for 5 years, together with my husband for 7. This past summer we opened up our relationship and have had a wonderful summer…and enjoyed the perks of freedom and brought it into our own bedroom. Our rules are don’t ask don’t tell…. And so far…so very good. Our communication is key, and we have grown closer. It works for us and we are both unconventional and felt uncomfortable in a closed marriage….this feels like me. I am so very happy and fulfilled because I don’t feel like I am tied down….

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  5. As a result of a friend in an open marriage, I have watched one close up for 18 months. This friend has been married for 25 years, open for 16 of those. He claims to have a great marriage. Judging by the bits and pieces he tells me, never intending to be critical, I really doubt it. He’s fallen in love with the woman he’s currently seeing, and I’m watching it cause tension between him and his wife, who wants to be open, but doesn’t want his relationships actually affecting her in anyway–which his falling in love has done.

  6. I’m a 47 yo happily married woman in an open marriage for 7 years. I was a promiscuous teen and have always had a strong sex drive and my husband suffered an illness that greatly diminished his sex drive, almost to the point of impotence. Seeing my frustration he suggested that I find a lover and I’m now in a long term relationship with another man. My husband fully recovered from his illness but we didn’t end the open relationship. And the three of us often share a bed.

  7. I know this is an old post but I hate when I stumble on something that misinforms. I’ll post an update just incase someone is using this to post to make decisions from. This couple is still together. No divorce… some issues, some open communication and some issues resolved = Still together and “still open”… Google the remainder of the story.

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