By Guest Blogger Rebecca Longman
Here I am, 4.30pm on a Wednesday afternoon, 32 years of age and propping up a bar in Stamford, CT. I look around and there’s plenty of men, doing the same as me, drinking alone, yet I’m the one getting the ‘what’s your story’ looks.
Before you judge me let me explain why I’m here.
Five weeks ago on Friday, I became an expat. I moved from my home of London, England to Connecticut. The catalyst for the move? My husband’s job. He has worked for the same company for seven years and they recently offered him a transfer to the US.
It was an option first put on the table about 18 months ago. At that point, we’d been dating for two and half years, we were good together but still not talking marriage. It took us just over a year to come to the decision that the move was a good idea. We went back and forth, made lists about the pros and cons, spoke to family, friends, pretty much anyone who would listen, about whether it was a good idea to pack up everything we know and move half way across the world. Eventually, after some gentle persuasion from a friend of mine who has loved the States for a lifetime, we made the decision to grab the opportunity and live it! We got married in February of this year, and moved early May.
The decision we made many months ago is now a reality.
So what’s it like being an expat?
In the last four and half weeks, I’ve learned how to drive on the other side of the road, navigate my way around my local area, where the great (and not so great) places are for coffee, cake, food, and pretty much anything else going. I’ve learned where to shop; where to drink, and that my sense of humor is definitely not transferable from the UK to the US. I’ve, well, I’ve sort of settled into hot, humid life in CT.
I’ve read, written, walked, seen, drove, shopped and looked at art. I’ve joined meet-up groups (something that every expat site you visit suggests you do), and so far I’ve found nothing more than speed dating sessions to attend in my area.
Trust me, I’m trying.
But, to answer to my initial question, I do think there are times when it’s okay for a woman to drink alone a bar, and I think this is one of them. I also believe though, that there is a stigma attached to a woman drinking alone in a bar. Or even eating alone at a restaurant, as another example.
Now my other question is, why is that?
What is it about our society that attaches a stigma or makes us think, ‘What’s wrong with her’ if she’s out at a bar by herself, or a movie by herself, or having a cup of coffee alone at a café?
Women should be inspired to do whatever feels right for them, whenever it feels right. We should never let society’s views dictate decisions we make for ourselves. And I’m not on the fence about that. You want to drink a beer alone at a bar? Do it. (Of course, drink sensibly, and if you even think you may have an alcohol problem, seek help). If not, do it, enjoy it, and ignore the judgers. You deserve to be there as much as the next person, especially if you’re a lonely expat.
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About
Rebecca Longman is the owner and founder of a people development consultancy, and a creative writer. She recently moved from London, England to Stamford, CT and is now embarking on a three-year expat programme with her husband. You can follow her expat journey at her blog City Girl Walking adoptedlondoner.me where she shares the sights, smells and sounds she experiences as she explores the world. You can also find her on Twitter @LittleBWriting or @rsg_consult.
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Do spend a lot of time alone? Are you COMFORTABLE going places alone? Do you think there’s something wrong with a married woman drinking alone at a bar? I’d really love to start this discussion…
Happy weekend, and if you have that drink, DRINK RESPONSIBLY.
I don’t see anything wrong with a woman drinking alone at a pub.
Hi Valerie,
Thanks for sharing your views; I quite agree. It would be great if others were so liberal in their views!
Have a wonderful weekend,
Rebecca
I am a married woman and I don’t think I would feel comfortable drinking alone in a bar. My husband wouldn’t like it either I’m pretty sure.
I’m single and haven’t been in a relationship in a while. If I was afraid to go out alone, I’d never go out. I have no problem going to a restaurant, café, movie or shopping alone. I don’t tend to drink much and usually prefer to do it in company whether at home or out somewhere. This has nothing to do with the judgment of others; it’s just my own personal preference. Those who pass judgment on a woman out in public alone – regardless of where she is – are really the ones with an issue.
Even though I’m pretty comfortable being alone in most settings, I completely see Jana’s perspective too. I believe there are many husbands out there (and wives or partners in any relationship) who would prefer their loved ones not to be out alone, be it in a bar or otherwise. My husband isn’t a huge fan of me being in pubs in my own, but he understands me well enough to know that if I’m ok with it, he is. He trusts me and I trust myself so it works. We both know if either of us tried to tie the other one down, our relationship wouldn’t be as strong.
I’m a believer women should be themselves, and provided they’re sensible about their safety, and respect the views of those who love them without suppressing their own personality, they should be able to be whoever they want to be.
I love going to a nice bar, taking my book, a magazine or my own writing and just chilling out with a glass of wine. Sheer joy! Absolute pleasure! But do go to a nice bar, not some seedy joint where your safety is at threat and course never leave your drink unattended and don’t accept drinks from anyone you don’t know. Being single in London I often go out alone to restaurants, cafes and bars alone. I’m super proud of myself that I have the confidence to do this and not care what others think! I encourage all women to get to the point where they are comfortable to do things like this on their own (safely). It doesn’t have to be a bar, it could be a restaurant or the cinema. It’s a big confidence builder.
Getting separated and later divorced in the early 1980’s, one of my big confidence builders was stepping out to a local restaurant alone. Yes, the first time they put my in a quiet corner where I couldn’t be seen (is it bad for business if people eat alone?) The next time I made sure I sat in my favorite booth.! After that, sitting at a bar having a drink alone and travelling alone have been great. Although I have been married now for 25 years, I still find myself on occasion having the opportunity to dine out alone and it is never an issue. I needed to meet my own expectations for myself and stop concerning myself with what other expect or think.
I found this blog and comments very interesting. I have been going to a wee pub in Canada alone for the past 2 years. I have experienced the ‘looks’ ‘questions’ etc.. I think some people think I am a widow. I have been asked a couple of times ‘so what’s your deal?’ I said what do you mean? I even went on a one week holiday in the Caribbean alone. Wow, do you get lots of questions from complete strangers. What I have learned most is this: People ask not only to be friendly, but there is an inquisitiveness that shocks them to see a 39 year old woman alone in a pub or on an island enjoying herself. Folks, it 2015, build up your confidence and do whatever makes you happy. We all work too hard, life is full of compromises and negotiations, and moves for jobs… seriously, who cares? Thanks for the great read.
P.S. I am married, employed full time, home-owner and commuter to work. Not that any of that should matter. Peace.
To me that is wrong for a women to go alone to a bar to drink alone in a bar a married women for that matter, every even she goes , my question drinking with who, it show that you don’t respect your home as African wife and to your family as you are a prostitute